This isn’t information I offer up freely and often, so I’m just going to be as honest as I can be in this moment after an emotional morning. I wish I accepted myself more and needed others less to define my own worth. I’m 26 and I feel very behind where I should be thanks to more established authors. I wish I didn’t struggle with body dysmorphia and could look at food and working out as a way to take care of my body. I’m just not there right now.
I love that I’m confident and comfortable in confrontation, because their probably my two biggest asset. I love that I have allowed myself to be more fluid and change, even when it feels uncomfortable. I love that I am learning to talk less, so when I do, people really listen. I’m grateful that I’ve been around humans who have taught me to ask for permission.
Some days I wish I cried less, but then I wonder what my poetry would actually be like. I’m not sure it would be as good.
There are days I only derive my self worth from others, and some days I really struggle when I don’t get the positive reinforcement I need. Some days I crumble because I don’t get told I’m doing a good job, or I’m doing what I supposed to. This is especially hard when both the things I’m doing with my life right now have me in a roll that I’m much more a student than a master.
I understand how sad it is that 15 out of the 30 days in a month, I feel like other’s define my worth. I know it’s not attractive, and I know it’s something I should probably work on changing. Unfortunately, I’ve taken a lot of personality tests that have told me that’s not how I’m built.
Changing this about myself has never seemed likely, so I’m doing my best to acknowledge it instead and embrace it.
I wish more than anything I was already published. I know that these things will happen, but I struggle when they aren’t on my timeline. I’d give anything to be able to pick up a hard cover copy of my book somewhere, but I also understand it will all work out as it should. I’m learning to be more patient with myself and accept none of us are behind on anything.
Some days I don’t look in mirrors. Some days I look in mirrors for far too long. Some days my significant other asks me what I’m looking at and I don’t want to tell him, because he’ll say something nice back and I won’t believe him. And I want to believe him, and I want him to tell me all these nice, wonderful things when I make room inside myself to hear him. When I look at pictures of myself from the past, I think, “Look how skinny I was.”
I never give myself that kind of grace in the present moment. I avoid scales like the plague, because no matter what the number is, I know it won’t bring me any sort of joy. There’s nothing worse than the nightmare where I scratch my face off and finally feel better. No one should feel like that, and I don’t understand why I do.
The best thing I’ve ever done for myself is allow myself to change. It’s okay to be who ever you are today, and be someone else tomorrow, and still be the same person. I had a good friend in college challenge the perceptions of what I wanted to be. I thought the ideas were mutually exclusive and contradictory. She believed I could be anything.
I love that every day since then, I’ve worked on seeing ideas like those not as mutually exclusive, but as authentic to who I am and what I want to be.
Today, I don’t feel particularly confident. At all. I haven’t felt confident in a long while. But I know myself to be a confident person, so I know that it will come back when it’s supposed to.
When I write it down, I recognize that I think I should give so much more grace to myself than I do. But I also recognize that my goals and ambitions won’t always allow that, and the best I can do is find a balance between the two.
That’s what I think when I think about me.