In honor of my 16th book rejection, I’m celebrating with a week of self love journaling challenges with my good friend and talented photographer, Kirsti Coutlee.
What are you feeling right now is a question that could be answered differently for me at just about every moment of the day. This morning I woke up feeling emotionally hung over from a fight the night before with my significant other (we’re growing to communicate better). By 10:00am, I finally had the obligatory conversation about where I was during 9/11. All of my colleagues were in high school or college. I was in third grade. I feel like 9/11 always weighs us all down a little as we remember that safety isn’t a guarantee.
With that being said, thank you to the men and women who serve this country.
By lunch time I was stressed and anxious because I had so much to do and so little time to do it. By 2:00pm I was ready to walk out of the office and just sit outside and feel the sunshine on my face. By 5:00pm I came home to my significant other who ordered food with me and held me on the couch while I cried for a while.
I cry all the time. I’m embracing it instead of trying to change it. It’s who I am, and if it’s something I could change I’m sure it would’ve by now.
After watching Black Panther for the first time (amazing, how did it take me this long?!) I did some things on my to-do list. I cleaned the house. I picked up things I needed so my good friend that’s visiting tomorrow can be comfortable.
Tomorrow is my boyfriend’s birthday. I am trying to be a better girlfriend, and I still feel like I haven’t done enough.
In this moment I’m sleepy, but not in a frustrated I’m not asleep way. I’m more looking forward to bed than anything. I’m excited to write Travis a long note. I’m frustrated I forgot to pick him up a card that had nothing to do with birthdays. I’m so, so, so excited to see Julie I could explode. I feel grateful for having such a flexible and understanding partner, because this isn’t something I’ve always had. I feel content in a lot of ways, which is strange because I haven’t felt content all day.
I spend a lot of time pushing myself. I need to work out more or I need to write more or I need to work more, or I need to do more with Ryder or… the list never ends. We’re always pushing towards our next goal like we might not make it. I feel like I might not make it a lot of days.
In this moment however, I’m grateful I took the time to realize I was feeling content. It was like this pleasant surprise when I got to realize that I wasn’t artificially happy or anxious or frustrated.
I hope you get to have moments like these, too, soon.